


Silence: A 15x18 Coda

by joplin



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:27:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27478021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joplin/pseuds/joplin
Summary: A coda to 15 x 18 "Despair" where Dean has to explain Cas's sacrifice to Sam
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 47





	Silence: A 15x18 Coda

sam and jack make it back to the bunker. they are screaming for dean and cas, not knowing if they still exist, not knowing if anything still exists. dean hears them from the dungeon. he lets his jaw quiver one more time. he takes a huge deep breath, squeezes his eyes tight for just a moment, and heads up. sam is relieved to see him, but not relieved enough. dean’s eyes are red- something is wrong. at the same time, sam and jack ask “where’s cas?” and all dean can say is that cas sacrificed himself to the Empty to kill billie and save him

eventually, jack goes to his room to be alone. sam and dean sit at the table. sam brings beers over, but they sit untouched. finally, sam asks, “dean, man, what the hell happened?” dean insists “I already told you, sammy,” and sam knows instantly that dean is a hair’s breadth from exploding. he doesn’t push. minutes pass. sam waits. dean works up the nerve to go down a road he knows he can’t turn back from, and finally says, “he made a deal.” he sets his jaw again. “with her, with the Empty. that’s how he brought jack back before. he traded his life, but it-” Dean’s eyes are darting wildly, looking anywhere but sam, and so close to spilling over with tears again.

sam says nothing. he knows something more is coming. he wishes he could help, and knows all too well that he can’t. “-she didn’t want him right away. he said she was waiting. until he experienced true happiness, and then- and then she would take him forever. so he-” Sam notices a catch in dean’s breath, but doesn’t push. dean’s jaw is quivering. whatever he was having trouble saying, it would find its way out soon enough. dean almost laughs as he says “-so he made himself happy.” his breathing speeds up as he continues with “and when the Empty took him, it took Death too. he saved my ass. just like he always does”

(in dean’s mind, he sees cas’s face. betrayed. he hears his own, horrible voice saying, “yeah? and why does that something always seem to be you?”)

when he manages to look up at sam, he sees his little brother’s classic furrowed brow. he knows sam wants to ask, and wonders if he will. he finally looks sam in the eye and hopes that he can see it in dean’s face, that he won’t have to say it, because he can’t, because it hurts, because he doesn’t know how to deal with it and he needs cas to tell him how to deal with it, to tell him those words again, and-

“dean,” sam starts to ask quietly, “what did he-” but he stops because dean meets his eyes again, and this time he is crying. “he said-” dean begins, before turning away and wiping his face with his hand, before a dozen emotions flash across his face. one, sam saw, was even almost a reluctant smile, crushed by the herculean weight of holding back tears. dean looks desperately at nothing as he whispers, “he told me he loved me”

sam is quiet, and the silence rings in dean’s ears. he finally meets sam’s eyes, for the third and worst time. dean can feel the wild, lost desperation in his own eyes, but he’s terrified to realize he can’t place sam’s expression. pity? or understanding, maybe. but not confusion, he notes. not surprise.

and suddenly dean feels like he can’t breathe, like he might never be able to breathe again. and sam’s brow is furrowed again, though softer this time. dean keeps it together just long enough to hear sam ask so, so gently, “you didn’t know?”

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!
> 
> tumblr: itsinjustbeing


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